Holiday Treat Monster

Oh, sweet goodness...the break room...it’s flooded.  Peppermint chocolate cake languishes on the main table with caramel s’more bites and Santa-shaped rice treats.  A yule log is taking center stage on the counter, and a Panettone is crowding the plates of cookies that have materialized by the coffee bar.  The entire office looks a candy sprinkler has gone off, tossing sweets in every direction.  No surface was spared.  And everything -- absolutely everything -- is covered in sparkling sugar.

As you clench your eyes shut, desperately trying not to grab a candy cane and start shoveling it all onto a plate, all you can think is:  “How did this happen again?!”   Yesterday it was the girls’ get together that was hit, the day before it was your mother’s house, and last night it was the holiday party.  It’s so unfair!!  How will you ever keep from becoming a holiday blimp?!!

Holiday Treat Monster isn’t listening.  She’s way too busy sneaking red and green after-dinner mints onto your desk while you’re out of the way.  She doesn’t understand what “target weight” even means.  She smiles broadly at you as you finally take a plate, then frowns slightly when you put as few items on it as possible.  You both smile, however, when you finally take that first heavenly bite.  Your defeat is a quiet one, as you think to yourself,  “Well...what would the season be without some of this, after all?  And what would New Year’s be without my usual resolution?”

Greeting Card Monster

Greeting Card Monster has recently been thinking about his own name. He’s worried it doesn’t quite fit him anymore.  This year it seems he has his tentacles in everything.  He’s delivering messages on Facebook and sending Twitter greetings, along with ecards, iPhone videos, and emoticon-filled texts. 

There was a time when the holiday season meant he would be crammed into his corner of a tiny post office, countless cards making their way through his department.  Between slugs of coffee and bites of candy cane, he would whip holiday cards in and out of mailbags, making sure that every single card was headed to the intended recipient.  He really enjoyed those days, filled with the smooth feel of crisp, newly printed cards and the crinkle of a handmade greeting scrawled upon with crayon., Once in a while he might even find a card carved of wood or made from banana leaves. 

Now it all feels like newfangled technology to him.  All these pixels and typefaces.  He has trouble telling what’s what half the time. Although he does still handle a few honest to goodness, actual paper greeting cards, the practice is mostly supported by older ladies and hipsters.  The endless parade of holiday kittens and ironic holiday kittens can sometimes get him down. 

This year the learning curve has been steep; all of the new ways to communicate have kept him busy with instruction manuals and tiny keypads. But finally it seems that the hard work is paying off.  When all the typefaces make sense and the graphics swim into focus, he can see that underneath all of his misunderstanding, these new messages are just as sweet and loving as all the paper ones he used to see.  How wonderful to know the world is still filled with the same love as before, even if it takes fewer stamps to send.

Holiday Insanity Monster

Oh no!  The day got away from you entirely!  You had all these plans!!  You were going to get so much done!  Laundry washed, dinner cooked, blog entry posted.....  How did it all get away from you this way?!!

Oh well.  I suppose there are just days where the holiday rush can overwhelm you.

Don’t worry, tomorrow’s accomplishments will feel that much better for having gotten away from you today.  And it should prove a lot easier without a certain monster giving you grief!

The Not-So-Holiday Monster

You quit.  You’ve sung your last carol, eaten your last frosted cookie, and downed your last hot chocolate.  You never ever want to see red and green together again -- and forget silver or gold anything!  And oh, holy night, if one more person sings a carol in your presence, they'd better be ready to sing them in the ER tonight!!!

You’re in the grip of the Not-So-Holiday Monster.  He trudges along beside you, grumbling quietly and rolling his eyes as sarcastically as possible.  The two of you mutter at every over-the-top display or current pop star's rendition of “All I Want For Christmas”.  You’re his puppet of holiday humbug.  “This is all so pointless!  All these people spending wildly and eating everything!!”  “It’s all so commercial and ridiculous!!”  “You’re not waiting for ME under the mistletoe, Justin Bieber!!!”

The two of you angrily make your way out of the town square.  You dodge well wishers to the left and laughing children on the right.  That is...all except one well wisher and her laughing child... A friend you haven’t seen in a while waves you over, her daughter already giggling.  Caught in the full tide of scroogery, you immediately demand of them: “Are you enjoying all of this?!”  There is a pause.  A very cold, very heavy pause.  Your friend starts to answer you, but her daughter cuts her off.  The little girl walks right up to you and takes your hand, looking into your eyes the way children are never afraid to do. Very softly, with a bright light of happiness shining from every bit of her, she simply says, “Yes, we are.  We are, very much.”

Your face screws itself up into a very small space.  You try so hard to hold onto the scroogery, but it’s just too late.  Not-So-Holiday Monster glances at your face, his mood souring even more.  He snorts in complete disgust at your growing merriment and waddles in a quick circle.  After one last glance at your now shining face, he sighs and slowly makes his way to another grump in the making. Bah humbug.

Holiday Fashion Monster

What are you wearing?  Seriously.  What is this ensemble you’re rocking today?  Have you looked in a mirror?

Are felt reindeer horns appropriate office attire?  And listen...I’m not sure the light-up sweater is energy efficient... Don't those holly earrings weigh down your earlobes?  And please, please, please explain to me the tinsel poncho you’re packing for the holiday party!!

Look at your life, look at your choices.  Nothing that has ever happened to you should authorize this sort of fashion insanity!  I don’t care how old you are.

From the beginning you really didn't have a prayer.  Long before I got a look at you, Holiday Fashion Monster had you firmly in her grip.  As you pulled hidden holiday treasures from drawers and closet organizers, she reveled in every new find: a Christmas cat cardigan, Nativity knickers, snowflake sneakers, the Blitzen bolo tie!  The both of you so drunk on the holiday cheeriness of it all you never realized how insane it all became!

There’s good news, however -- no one else will realize the insanity, either.  Holiday Fashion Monster has a serious grip on the entire population during this particular season.  Despite the fact that “fashion” shouldn't even remotely be in her name, she manages to get us all dressing insanely this time of year.   I suppose it’s all part and parcel of a season that is all about love and enthusiasm rather than rigid social norms or customs.  In any case, do your best to “make it work”.  Facebook photos can prove embarrassing come January.

Monster of Holiday Exasperation

It’s your eighth hour in the mall, and you’re seriously considering sleeping on a food court bench...

A voice in your head keeps yelling “Just get what you need and let’s go!”, along with “Can we get another snack?!” and “You don’t even like your aunt!  She doesn’t need a present!” 

You’ve been going over your list since 6:00 a.m., but the perfect gifts keep eluding you.  You’ve been all through the department store, with that voice along for every possible gift: Cashmere scarf? “Yes!  That’s it!  Get it!” But it isn’t really, not personal enough.  Universal Remote? “Absolutely!  Just do it!” But what if Uncle Bob has one?  A hot chocolate gift pack? “Yes! Yes! BAM! -- Merry Christmas!”  But Aunt Barbara doesn’t even celebrate Christmas, she’s Jewish! 

The Monster of Holiday Exasperation is rolling on the floor, howling with laughter.  He’s been pushing all your buttons since you got to the mall.  He does a perfect imitation of your inner voice and isn’t afraid to wreak havoc around this time of year.  He’s still giggling maniacally when you get your bearings.  No.  No, I won’t do this.  I’m going get my family and friends gifts that they’ll really love, not just something convenient! Because darn it, I care!!

As you turn back to the department store with a glint in your eye and a purposeful stride, the squat monster wipes the last laughing tear from his eye and waves goodbye.  Then he shrugs and moves to the next victim. Some of the other Monsters of the Holiday Season don’t approve of his antics. He doesn’t particularly mind.  He thinks of it as giving them a little competition.

Stillness Monster

What are you doing?  You’re outside and not at all dressed for it.  You weren’t supposed to end up here.  You were just going to get the mail and then rush back in, out of the cold.  Now you’re stuck, standing in the driveway.  It’s just too beautiful.

The night sky is lit from above and below; the stars shining crystal clear through the cool air while holiday lights glow soft and warm across the land.  You can smell the woodsmoke billowing out of chimneys and the holiday treats baking for children to take to school tomorrow.  A sound has you turning slightly; far-off neighbors pull into their drive and laugh before going inside.  When was the last time you stopped to listen this way?  You can’t even remember.  You’re so glad you’re doing it now.  All the worries you had are gone in a sudden cold snap.  You breathe deep and remember what it’s like to simply be.  To exist in the middle of this wonderful world.  What a great gig.

Stillness Monster looks down at you.  From his angle he almost never gets to see the reactions to his meddling -- just the tops of heads -- but he’s chuckling deep in his chest anyway.  Right before you walked outside, he managed to freeze time solid in that one particular spot on the driveway -- the one you walked into while worrying about your nephew’s life choices.  Now you can’t remember any of those things that were so important a moment ago, and he gets to finally share the beautiful view with an unsuspecting human. 

You both seem pretty happy.

Holiday Movie Monster

Oh man, what a great day at the office.  Carols and cookies!  Decorations are up, spirits are high, and productivity is up, too!  Now for a quick meal in front of the television before a serious workout and some laundry.  Productivity abounds! 

So many show options... CSI, SVU, and TMI!  Last check of the guide before...oh, no...Jiminy Cricket!  A holiday movie marathon!  Every holiday film from your childhood lined up in those blue brackets!  Maybe you can just watch a minute....  It’s over.  You’re trapped.  How did you get this hot cocoa?  What is this fudge doing here?!  You’re a marathon goner.  As you bite into another chunk of the “peppermint delight” you realize it’s going to be a “wake-up-on-the-couch-in-your-holiday-jammies” kind of morning tomorrow...

No worries.  Holiday Movie Monster is right there with you for every commercial break.  You’re not paying attention, so you don’t notice when she hands you the fudge.  You think you must have eaten all of it.  Oh, no.  She’s been setting you up this whole time.  Just waiting on that couch in her holiday jammies, swinging her stumpy legs to and fro.  She’s been arranging those brackets of 80’s holiday films and specials all day.  Nudging the fudge into position and readying the cocoa, smiling quietly.  She’s not much of a conversationalist, but she interacts in her own way.  When that moment happens (the one that should be cheesy but instead your eyes water a little and your heart grows a few sizes), if you just looked to your left at that moment, you’d see her.  She’s looking right at you, a beaming smile on her face, telling you without so many words that you’re the best part of her year. 

So, when you have that thought the next day that all adults seem to get, the one that goes: “What did you get done last night?!”  I hope -- for her sake -- you’ll tell that thought to shove it and go eat some fudge!

Get Well Monster

Ah the sound of carols in the morning. The sun peeking over the horizon while the neighbors tree lights blink cheerfully.  The scent of coffee and holiday cookies.  …wait…where is the scent?  The cookies are right there, why can’t you....  Oh no. 

You’re sick.  Sick for the holidays.  This can’t be happening!  But it’s true.  You can feel the aches creeping into your bones, and the congestion clouding your head.  Why now?!  This just isn’t fair!  You have so much to do!

Worry not.  Get Well Monster is here!  Though she may not have a cape or magical lasso, she has something better!  Love.  She flits about with her get well wand, spreading holiday love wherever you go.  Because, let’s face it - you really need it!  Your head is pounding and you wish your bed were under your desk, but Bob just brought you chamomile tea and Shirley is loaning you her favorite holiday films.  You’re thinking about hibernating till next week, but there’s your mom with an early gift of a cozy sweater!  

So, though you might want to wallow in your VapoRub prison, Get Well Monster just won’t let you.  And even in the midst of all your griping, the realization hits you that if you hadn’t gotten sick...you wouldn’t have been able to feel so loved by everyone.  Not that it’s fun to be sick during the holidays...but maybe, just like everything else, even that is better this time of year.

Procrastination Monster

This morning a monster rolled out of bed...right before rolling back in.  He slapped his alarm ferociously and grumbled when he finally put his feet on the ground.  Reaching the kitchen by feeling along the wall, he smiled for the first time when the coffee pot burpled happily at him.  Three cups later and he was standing with his eyes open!  It was a Monday miracle! 

He shuffled to the calendar and took a long breath before looking at the date.  “December the 12th”  Huh.  Not much on the calendar for today, not much for tomorrow, either.  Oh wait...what was that a few days away?  Heavily circled in red pen, “Please start early this year!” in the margin....  Procrastination Monster took a good hard look at this date.  He noted the red pen and read the notes in the margin several, studious times….and then he started a game of Angry Birds.

It’s not that Procrastination Monster didn’t want to be prepared this year....he’s just not very good at doing the things he plans for himself.  And really, although he says all the time that he’s going to change and do things early this time, we all know that he enjoys his procrastination far too much.  Sure, he’ll end up rushing around like a crazy person when he finally does start, but let’s be really totally completely honest here....he likes it just fine that way. 

So if you haven’t started your preparations yet, don’t worry.  When that day comes you’ll almost certainly be rushing around and wishing for more time...but live it up today!  Know why?  Today is not that day.