Monster of Holiday Exasperation

It’s your eighth hour in the mall, and you’re seriously considering sleeping on a food court bench...

A voice in your head keeps yelling “Just get what you need and let’s go!”, along with “Can we get another snack?!” and “You don’t even like your aunt!  She doesn’t need a present!” 

You’ve been going over your list since 6:00 a.m., but the perfect gifts keep eluding you.  You’ve been all through the department store, with that voice along for every possible gift: Cashmere scarf? “Yes!  That’s it!  Get it!” But it isn’t really, not personal enough.  Universal Remote? “Absolutely!  Just do it!” But what if Uncle Bob has one?  A hot chocolate gift pack? “Yes! Yes! BAM! -- Merry Christmas!”  But Aunt Barbara doesn’t even celebrate Christmas, she’s Jewish! 

The Monster of Holiday Exasperation is rolling on the floor, howling with laughter.  He’s been pushing all your buttons since you got to the mall.  He does a perfect imitation of your inner voice and isn’t afraid to wreak havoc around this time of year.  He’s still giggling maniacally when you get your bearings.  No.  No, I won’t do this.  I’m going get my family and friends gifts that they’ll really love, not just something convenient! Because darn it, I care!!

As you turn back to the department store with a glint in your eye and a purposeful stride, the squat monster wipes the last laughing tear from his eye and waves goodbye.  Then he shrugs and moves to the next victim. Some of the other Monsters of the Holiday Season don’t approve of his antics. He doesn’t particularly mind.  He thinks of it as giving them a little competition.

Stillness Monster

What are you doing?  You’re outside and not at all dressed for it.  You weren’t supposed to end up here.  You were just going to get the mail and then rush back in, out of the cold.  Now you’re stuck, standing in the driveway.  It’s just too beautiful.

The night sky is lit from above and below; the stars shining crystal clear through the cool air while holiday lights glow soft and warm across the land.  You can smell the woodsmoke billowing out of chimneys and the holiday treats baking for children to take to school tomorrow.  A sound has you turning slightly; far-off neighbors pull into their drive and laugh before going inside.  When was the last time you stopped to listen this way?  You can’t even remember.  You’re so glad you’re doing it now.  All the worries you had are gone in a sudden cold snap.  You breathe deep and remember what it’s like to simply be.  To exist in the middle of this wonderful world.  What a great gig.

Stillness Monster looks down at you.  From his angle he almost never gets to see the reactions to his meddling -- just the tops of heads -- but he’s chuckling deep in his chest anyway.  Right before you walked outside, he managed to freeze time solid in that one particular spot on the driveway -- the one you walked into while worrying about your nephew’s life choices.  Now you can’t remember any of those things that were so important a moment ago, and he gets to finally share the beautiful view with an unsuspecting human. 

You both seem pretty happy.

Holiday Movie Monster

Oh man, what a great day at the office.  Carols and cookies!  Decorations are up, spirits are high, and productivity is up, too!  Now for a quick meal in front of the television before a serious workout and some laundry.  Productivity abounds! 

So many show options... CSI, SVU, and TMI!  Last check of the guide before...oh, no...Jiminy Cricket!  A holiday movie marathon!  Every holiday film from your childhood lined up in those blue brackets!  Maybe you can just watch a minute....  It’s over.  You’re trapped.  How did you get this hot cocoa?  What is this fudge doing here?!  You’re a marathon goner.  As you bite into another chunk of the “peppermint delight” you realize it’s going to be a “wake-up-on-the-couch-in-your-holiday-jammies” kind of morning tomorrow...

No worries.  Holiday Movie Monster is right there with you for every commercial break.  You’re not paying attention, so you don’t notice when she hands you the fudge.  You think you must have eaten all of it.  Oh, no.  She’s been setting you up this whole time.  Just waiting on that couch in her holiday jammies, swinging her stumpy legs to and fro.  She’s been arranging those brackets of 80’s holiday films and specials all day.  Nudging the fudge into position and readying the cocoa, smiling quietly.  She’s not much of a conversationalist, but she interacts in her own way.  When that moment happens (the one that should be cheesy but instead your eyes water a little and your heart grows a few sizes), if you just looked to your left at that moment, you’d see her.  She’s looking right at you, a beaming smile on her face, telling you without so many words that you’re the best part of her year. 

So, when you have that thought the next day that all adults seem to get, the one that goes: “What did you get done last night?!”  I hope -- for her sake -- you’ll tell that thought to shove it and go eat some fudge!

Get Well Monster

Ah the sound of carols in the morning. The sun peeking over the horizon while the neighbors tree lights blink cheerfully.  The scent of coffee and holiday cookies.  …wait…where is the scent?  The cookies are right there, why can’t you....  Oh no. 

You’re sick.  Sick for the holidays.  This can’t be happening!  But it’s true.  You can feel the aches creeping into your bones, and the congestion clouding your head.  Why now?!  This just isn’t fair!  You have so much to do!

Worry not.  Get Well Monster is here!  Though she may not have a cape or magical lasso, she has something better!  Love.  She flits about with her get well wand, spreading holiday love wherever you go.  Because, let’s face it - you really need it!  Your head is pounding and you wish your bed were under your desk, but Bob just brought you chamomile tea and Shirley is loaning you her favorite holiday films.  You’re thinking about hibernating till next week, but there’s your mom with an early gift of a cozy sweater!  

So, though you might want to wallow in your VapoRub prison, Get Well Monster just won’t let you.  And even in the midst of all your griping, the realization hits you that if you hadn’t gotten sick...you wouldn’t have been able to feel so loved by everyone.  Not that it’s fun to be sick during the holidays...but maybe, just like everything else, even that is better this time of year.

Procrastination Monster

This morning a monster rolled out of bed...right before rolling back in.  He slapped his alarm ferociously and grumbled when he finally put his feet on the ground.  Reaching the kitchen by feeling along the wall, he smiled for the first time when the coffee pot burpled happily at him.  Three cups later and he was standing with his eyes open!  It was a Monday miracle! 

He shuffled to the calendar and took a long breath before looking at the date.  “December the 12th”  Huh.  Not much on the calendar for today, not much for tomorrow, either.  Oh wait...what was that a few days away?  Heavily circled in red pen, “Please start early this year!” in the margin....  Procrastination Monster took a good hard look at this date.  He noted the red pen and read the notes in the margin several, studious times….and then he started a game of Angry Birds.

It’s not that Procrastination Monster didn’t want to be prepared this year....he’s just not very good at doing the things he plans for himself.  And really, although he says all the time that he’s going to change and do things early this time, we all know that he enjoys his procrastination far too much.  Sure, he’ll end up rushing around like a crazy person when he finally does start, but let’s be really totally completely honest here....he likes it just fine that way. 

So if you haven’t started your preparations yet, don’t worry.  When that day comes you’ll almost certainly be rushing around and wishing for more time...but live it up today!  Know why?  Today is not that day. 

Unexpected Kindness Monster

The mall is full of angry people. The grocery store, too.  The neighbors are hustling to buy gifts, the postman scurrying to deliver them, and the mall Santa is promising them left and right.  Everyone is drinking too much, eating too much, and running around like it’s Armageddon. 

Unexpected Kindness Monster chuckles at the sight, shakes his head, and gets to work.  A man turns suddenly. “Ma'am, may I carry that for you?”

A woman who was just moments ago yelling at a store clerk stops short.  “Why...thank you, sir.  Yes, that would be nice.”  As they make their way to her car, she tries to hold onto being annoyed and frazzled...but she just can’t.  A smile slowly dawns on her face, and Unexpected Kindness Monster smiles with her before trudging on.

“Excuse me, waiter?  Could you do me a favor?  The young couple with the new baby over there?  Could I pay their bill with mine?  No need to tell them, they just look like they could use an easy night.”  A smiling -- if a little confused -- gentleman exits the popular restaurant. An hour later, so does an astounded and grateful new family.  Unexpected Kindness Monster ambles along behind them whistling a jaunty tune.  He’s pleased with his day’s work and ready for bed.  Tomorrow is another big day of helping humans to be kinder.  It’s not that they aren’t kind by themselves, but at such a busy time they can forget. They just need a little help remembering.

Mistletoe Monster

It’s that time again.  Holiday parties are filling your calendar.  You choose your outfit carefully, arrive fashionably late, and eat only as many artisan cheese puffs as you can safely fit in your mouth at once (you’re classy like that).  A holiday beverage jumps into your hand, just to “cleanse the palate”.  You’re groovin, you’re happy, and you’ve covered all your holiday party bases...except one.

Mistletoe!  Front and center.   Somehow you’ve managed to be in the doorway right underneath it!  A quick glance -- anyone to the left?  Anyone to the right?  You don’t even see it coming.  An epic smooch later, you’re barely breathing, and a co-worker is smiling at you...

Mistletoe Monster delights in creating holiday party insanity.  No love seat, shadowy corner, or kitchen pantry is safe.  He deftly sneaks in his weapon of choice -- a lovely sprig of mistletoe -- and watches the hilarity ensue.  His mistletoe has even the most staid of hearts beating to a holiday tune.

So when you get ready for that party on Saturday...even if you’re sure you won’t need them; pack those mints.

Fruit Cake Monster

“Why, thank you, Mildred!  You shouldn’t have!”  If you guess right (the way you have every other year since Aunt Mildred has been visiting), this would be a fruitcake.  An entirely inedible creation of frightening ingredients that weighs about a metric ton.  The only thing you might be unsure about is exactly what kind of fruitcake it is this year.

“It's Model 47,348.”  Fruitcake Monster is not unsure -- he knows exactly what’s in that cake.  He may not keep meticulous records, but he never forgets a fruitcake.  Model 47,348 was carefully crafted on a sunny November afternoon in the monster’s fruitcake kitchen. He began with last year's batter (it’s gummier that way).  Threw in 48 nuts of varying varieties:  macadamia, lug, pistachio.  Then he sprinkled in some fruit pieces (yes, actual fruit!): pear, apple, cherries and “of the Loom”.  And after tossing in a few mystery ingredients (he never reveals those), he mixed in a few spices to round out the essential flavors -- everything from allspice to Old Spice.

Fruitcake Monster is enormously proud of his cakes, and when his cousin once suggested he make “real” cakes that people would actually eat, he was absolutely appalled!  Fruitcake Monster replied that he couldn’t imagine a world without fruitcakes.  “Fruitcakes are a tradition!” he said. “They might be a silly tradition, but what tradition truly isn’t?"  Sometimes you do the things you’ve always done because -- by golly -- the world just isn’t the same without them.

Snow Day Monster

You watched the local stations, the big news stations, and especially The Weather Channel.  You listened to the local radio and were eyeing the sky all day.  Before bed you did the traditional dances and then in bed said the prayers and promises. 

Now it’s early -- earlier than usual for you to be up -- but you have to look, you have to see!  You’re about to lift that single panel on the shades...you’re desperately hoping for blinding white...   

What you don’t know is that this entire time Snow Day Monster has been watching the show and giggling up a storm (quite literally).  He’s been chortling to himself since your first check of the forecast.  Because what he’s known all along is that today -- oh sweet goodness almighty -- today is a snow day!

When you take that first step outside to bask in the glory of a winter wonderland, he may not come out to take credit for his present to you, but he’s more than happy just to know you’ll be giggling along with him.

Monster of Forgotten Gifts

There is a time in every holiday season when gifts are given, opened, gasped about, thanked over, and then thrown into a back closet with all the other gifts that have been given, opened, gasped about and thanked over in years past.  Some may be scavenged by children or spouses.  Some may be re-given, opened, gasped about, and thanked over in their turn.  Others just sit...sadly...waiting for no one and serving no purpose. 

The Monster of Forgotten Gifts is the only keeper of these gifts.  He sits with them.  He comforts them in their time of sorrow.  “What will I ever do?” asks the multi-functional key chain.  “All in good time” says the monster.  “All in good time, my multi-functional friend”

And when the house is quiet and the gift-givers sleeping, the monster creeps in and selects a few forgotten gifts for his great pouch.  These gifts he wraps with bright paper and decorates with bits of things until they look just as wonderful as any other brand new gift on a holiday.  Then he places each gift in a home that seems to be whispering for them.  And wouldn’t you know it?  Come each holiday day - the gift is opened, gasped about, thanked over, and then loved.  Loved for a very long time.